Well, at least not at THIS moment. Fuck I have been in the WORST mood lately. Ever since I got the call from my indiscernible sister 2 weeks ago this Tuesday that I received while she was having her seizure and she could barely speak and it scared the shit out of me, I have been so miserable. I drove out to pick her up from the hospital and I also picked up all her new MRI’s and CT scans to compare them with the PET scans done earlier in April and yep, just what I didn’t want to be true, seems the cancer has spread to her brain. Fuck fuck fuck. She has been to a new neurologist who confirmed our biggest fears and with the combine group efforts of her OBGYN oncologist and her new medical oncologist that I am taking her to this Friday, we will determine wether she is to under go radiation therapy along with a new round of chemo or just radiation. Bizzare news is that she believed my happy positive bullshit and her attitude is fantastic! She even went back to work and seems to be filled with new ambition and vigor at continuing the fight. I am so thrilled about that. I was falling apart inside but as usual I put up my tough as nails asshole motivating exterior and it paid off. I am so proud of her.

Meanwhile I’ve been a mess inside. Thank you to all of you that have sent the kindest emails and messages. I really do appreciate it and it helped me from literally not offing myself this past week. OK, maybe I’m being a bit dramatic but I have also, embarassing as it is to admit to the world, been feeling sorry for myself because I’m turning 47 on Tuesday. I know, how superficial and insignificant considering what my poor sister is going through trying to fight for her life but I have been a bit pity party-ish. I’m not even vain but getting older bums me out a little bit. Even when I was young I didn’t like to celebrate my birthday so it isn’t just an age thing, I just really don’t like the attention. As ironic as that sounds with me being an adult performer, it is true. Poor Ryan has to always put up with me being negative about my birthday and he is the kindest most romantic and thoughtful man and I have a way just squashing his efforts. I do love his ever positive attitude that “someday” I’ll enjoy celebrating my birthday.

To turn things around I shot 2 videos for my site yesterday and I approached the day with a positive outlook and I had one of the best production working days that I have had in months. I did 2 scenes and did several Polaroids for the bra and panty sets that I’ve sold recently.

I had fun, I felt good, I felt healthy and alive and things are really turning around for me in so many areas I have little to no room to be sad about anything. Even my sister’s condition isn’t dire and I’m not going to shed another tear until I have proof that her treatments aren’t working. So there! I may even celebrate my birthday, OK, maybe that’s going a bit too far. Maybe a movie and dinner with Ryan, we’ll see. I usually go to Mammoth Lakes for my birthday with the dogs and Ryan so it isn’t just about “me” but more so a family vacation for all to enjoy, but with all the medical hullabaloo going on and also I’m in the middle of selling a property rental in Texas that is problematic, I postponed my trip.

So with all that said, this should be an eventful week. Monday I should be closing on the Texas house, my birthday is on Tuesday, we have 2 shoots scheduled this week for pornfidelity.com and teenfidelity.com, I am driving out to Vegas to take my sister to the doctor on Friday, and I am having a big company pool and barbecue party on Sunday. Madness as usual here at Kelly Madison Media, hey, I wouldn’t have it any other way : )