I have been home a week now since returning from Vegas. I still can’t believe everything that has happened but after licking my wounds this week I have decided the best tribute to my sister is to take care of myself. That was a very difficult thing for her to do and I can hear her in my ear whispering to me to go work out, drink my green drinks, take the dogs for a walk, everything she couldn’t do and can no longer ever do. So today I got my lazy butt on the elliptical, guzzled down some green thick crap Ryan made in the Vitamix, and I’m taking the dogs to the park tonight. It is way too hot to go outside during the day, 85 degrees in March, are you f#@*ing kidding me? I will return to shooting content this coming week, I thought I could last week, but who was I kidding? I got the makeup on and my hair just right and I couldn’t go through with it. It wasn’t as though I was crying, I just had no steam. I’ll have another go at it tomorrow so wish me luck. I mean, come on, a girls gotta work, you know.
Archive for March, 2015
Life goes on
Sunday, March 29th, 2015A loss too big, a life too big for words…
Sunday, March 22nd, 2015To say my sister lived life to the fullest is an understatement. Cheryl Baldwin had a personality and wit and gift for bringing joy to others like no one I have ever known. She was always the one who wanted a party, wanted to bring cheer and give gifts, wanted to be the helper and savior to all those she loved, and at the end, we just couldn’t save her no matter how hard we tried or how hard we loved her.
The support and love of my family got me through all this, especially my sister Judi. Cheryl had been hospitalized or in a group home under hospice care for over 5 months which can put a strain on any family, and with the care falling mainly on my sister Judi, it was no easy task.
Cheryl’s friends also came to not only her aid, but to mine as well. Even in her passing, the most beautiful words of comfort came from her dear friend Jim and his forwarding of messages from friends of theirs.
“The residual of Cheryl’s being will linger throughout our memories. Her spirit is now free, not bound by space or time any longer, and now resides in a place of peace that surpasses our understanding.”
As I was there with her on her last day March 17th, alone in her room. I played Fleetwood Mac and Eagles and our favorites from when we were young. She couldn’t speak that day but lay there with her eyes closed. I knew she could hear me and every once in awhile squeezed my hand. I played the music loud in order to drown out the annoying sound of the her oxygen machine. I sang to her, I cried to her and said everything in the world I could ever want to communicate to my dear sister. I told Jim what I was doing and he was so supportive, he sent me the words to an Eagles song. Cheryl and Jim attended an Eagles concert together back in 1976 which was one of my sister’s fondest memories.
“I wish you peace when times are hard.
A light to guide you through the dark.
And when storms are high and your dreams are low,
I wish you the strength to grown on,
I wish you the strength to let love flow…”
I am so thankful not only for all the love and support of all those that cared for her but for the gift of how she passed. I had left to go eat around 7PM on Tuesday, letting her ex Marc have some precious moments alone with her. After he left my sister Judi and I got a call from the home alerting us to fact that her breathing had changed dramatically. The two of us rushed over and we held her hands, spoke to her and told her how much we loved her. Then amazingly, after over 24 hours of not moving or even opening her eyes, her eyes opened wide and she turned to look at Judi and then turned to me and kept her glaze on me for quite a while and then once again turned to Judi and then peacefully closed her eyes, her breathing became soft and a look of peace came upon her for the first time and then she gently slipped away as a tear fell from her right eye.
Good bye my beautiful sister. You just lived life TOO big, TOO fast, TOO much, so therefore you used up all the energy allotted for one life and so you had to leave me TOO soon. I love you Cheryl.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day
Tuesday, March 17th, 2015Checking in, finally…
Sunday, March 15th, 2015So I am alive and well, actually doing quite well and recovering from my severe exhaustion I suffered a week ago. It all sort of hit me on a physical and emotional level with everything going on. But me, personally I am doing great now and ready to be a part of the living again, I have been so consumed with my dying sister there is little laughter and love and happiness in my soul lately and I appreciate everyone’s patience with me.
Bad news first, my sister has been hospitalized unable to get out of bed now since October 22nd of 2014. She is now in a wonderful Group Home and being taken care of by an equally wonderful Hospice center who is taking care of all her medical needs. I never knew finding a good place for a loved one could be so difficult and so expensive. Thank god my schedule is flexible and I make good money, how do other people do it? My Mother was ill but even with my meager earnings back in the day she was much easier to care for. My sister is a 24/7 job. My sister Judi visits her daily after working a long day and the only break she gets is when my sister’s ex visits her which he does on Sundays and Tuesdays and she gets a break of course when I am in town. I’m afraid I’m going to lose two sisters if this keeps up.
Great news next, all is going well in my personal life. My dogs are great, my husband fabulous, my business flowing along splendidly and things are all coming together quite nicely. I just need some time to take care of myself which of course I find difficult to do. I plan on going out to Vegas this coming week, sadly it might be my last time with Cheryl because of her declining health, but I will be able to spend some much needed time with my niece’s son. He is going to be 4 this July and I haven’t been able to be there for him or for my niece Amanda these past few years. It has all been about Cheryl and I need to start focusing on the living and my future with my family. We are at the end of the day, all we have. So I am going to repair the relationship I have with myself and start taking care of me and extending out a helping hand to my lovely niece and her adorable son.
As far as what is going on sexy wise in my life, well, I have been doing some shoots for my site and keeping that active. We have been doing some amateur travel stuff along with a few 4K scenes and I plan on doing some more 4K stuff this month. I have a long overdue 1000th scene to film and I got a wonderful offer from a secret person to participate in it with me. That really made me happy. She happens to not only be a past lover, but a friend! A great friend who I never get to spend any time with. So I better take her up on her offer and fast!
I haven’t blogged in so long and I am such a bad bad girl. Well here are some photos from my recent website entries. I may not be the best “blogger” but I am a very good web girl and I never fail at updating my site every week with new content and I have been doing it for almost 15 years now.