February flew by so fast that I am just now writing about it during the first week of March! Yikes. Well here in California it was to be the wettest month in the wettest year but alas, thanks to global warming we experienced hot summer days while the East Coast was getting pounded by snow storms. Every Valentine’s Day Ryan and I take the doggies up to our local mountains. Each year I am so excited to play in the snow and I get all my gear ready only find out there is no snow yet again and I have to pack sandals instead of snow boots. Regardless of the lack of snow, we still have a great time and this year was no different.
Super Bowl was sort of uneventful this year. I think I just like the idea of having a party and getting everyone together and doing everything but watch the game. So for me the party was awesome, can’t say much for the game.
We got an extra day this month and I tried to celebrate my leap day by appreciating what I have. I took the extra day to think “I get to” instead of “I have to”. Puts a whole new perspective on chores.
Now getting back to Valentine’s Day and love, or even better, sex. As I mentioned before, I wrote a few article’s for my friend’s magazine. I was asked what my advice was on pleasing a woman. I can only speak for myself but this is what I shared:
Without sounding cliché or regurgitating the typical advice about “How to please a woman in bed” that is in every gosh darn magazine out there, I would like to approach that topic at a slightly different angle of “How to please your Woman”. Instead of listing off all the common sense stuff that everyone is aware of I am more interested in answering in detail (the best I can) one of our subscriber’s questions which was “How to reignite my sex life with my wife who I have been married to for a while and our sex life has become non-existent?”
This is a much harder issue to tackle because not only is she, or him, or whomever your partner is, most definitely too familiar and possibly bored with you and that you also take your partner for granted. You may now find yourself at a loss of how to get things going in bed again and have forgotten all those special things you did years ago that worked but now has gotten lost in the sauce somewhere between kids, money problems, health issues and everything else that divides us; sneaking up on us gradually and snatching away all of our young, exuberant horny selves.
I myself after 8 years of marriage, 16 years in the same relationship and working together for all that time have found even my sex life rather boring. Yes, doing porn for a living doesn’t mean I don’t experience what every other married couple goes through. So now that you know I also feel that same pain of longing for a sex life I used to enjoy when the relationship was fresh and new maybe you can appreciate some of my advice that I too have had to heed.
1. Speak your partner’s language.
Sounds weird but so true. Listen to what interests them and show them that you are listening by responding accordingly, not just let it go in one ear and out the other. Remember when you were dating, everything they said seemed so cool and interesting. Try it, really get outside yourself and listen to them. I for one am not a visual person, I am an auditory person. So tell me how much you love talking with me, tell me how funny I am, just speak to me and give me compliments and that is half the battle of turning me on. As I have learned from the “5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, that doesn’t always work with every person but you can be safe assured that compliments and listening will at the very least get you to first base. If you have gotten in a bad habit of only telling them the negative and what you don’t like about them you lose the chance of having true intimacy that can only be achieved when you build someone up, not tear them down.
2.Look the part.
For the people who are visual, seeing their partner dressed nicely and hair done and smelling good is a bonus. For those that haven’t been married for over 7 years this sounds ridiculous to you as if that is even an issue. But sad to say some where around the 7th year we tend to get a bit lazy, myself included. Many nights I greet my husband after work with nasty sweats on, a torn t-shirt, a saggy bra and zit cream on my face. And I wonder why he isn’t jumping my bones? It doesn’t have to be a holiday to shave your legs ladies. And guys, really manscaping IS a must. Trim it, shave it, just make sure it looks approachable. And most important, making yourself presentable doesn’t only affect the other person, it gives you the confidence to take control of the situation and help to seduce your partner. And nothing is sexier than a man or woman with nice feet. Go get a pedicure you cheap ass!
3. Create the Space.
This can be taken literally or theoretically. If you have children, make it a date night so no one is home or get a hotel room, getting away can do wonders for a relationship. If that isn’t plausible just make your own bedroom a romantic hideaway. Clean up the dirty laundry, put all the crap away and light some candles. Make it sexy and inviting. Women dig on candles, it’s primordial or something, instantly makes us want to have sex. However you see fit, just make a space for sex. It doesn’t have to cost a lot or take hours to do, make a bubble bath, put some flowers in a vase, just create the kind of space you know your partner would feel good in.
4. Give Baby, Give!
I’ll get to the sex part but try giving in other areas that
you know your partner will appreciate. You know that “honey do list”? Well, do something without being asked. That is actually a huge romantic gesture. Making the other person feel respected and cared for has a trickle down effect on their sexual organs. So once a few chores are done, the bedroom looks cozy and romantic, you took a bath and groomed up nicely, now it is time to put 100% focus on to them. Completely let go of your own selfish needs and really be there for the other person. Start off with a conversation they want to have and then get ready to seduce and conquer.
Your mindset has to be initiating sex without the end goal to be your own orgasm. Kiss your partner, massage them, touch them the way you know they like to be touched, and refuse them when they go to return the favor. Tell them tonight it is all about them. You don’t have to go into some tantric sex act for hours on end, just do what it takes to get them off or at the very least until you make that special connection, that deep intimate “I love you and want you to feel good” connection.
That is the most important, give without any desire for return, blue balls it if you have to boys and for you girls, you’ll have to get yourself off later with a toy or something. It will be easy to orgasm with the realization of how well you fu@#ed your partner.
So for those trying to re-kindle a long gone flame you once shared, like the woman who used to give you a blow job as you drove home from dinner and now just bitches at you for the way you are driving, or the guy who couldn’t keep his hands off you the minute no one was around and now would rather spend time in the garage alone, this is for you….
